


A Different Course

by mychemicallyromance



Series: Courses [2]
Category: My Chemical Romance
Genre: Cancer, Dramatic, Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-29
Updated: 2014-08-12
Packaged: 2018-02-11 00:03:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 10
Words: 17,805
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2045289
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mychemicallyromance/pseuds/mychemicallyromance
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It had been about two years since I had last seen Gerard, but it seemed longer than that. I missed him so much and it didn’t seem fair that he didn’t visit me. I had no clue as to why he didn’t visit me. I wondered if it was for the best because I was a freak with a horrible past or maybe it was the fact that he wanted to find a different lover that was normal. Or maybe he got himself hurt</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So here is a sequel to A One Course Meal of Rainbow Pills.
> 
> I thought and thought about it until I came to a decision that I should try and make a sequel. So here it goes.

It had been about two years since I had last seen Gerard, but it seemed longer than that. I missed him so much and it didn’t seem fair that he didn’t visit me. I had no clue as to why he didn’t visit me. I wondered if it was for the best because I was a freak with a horrible past or maybe it was the fact that he wanted to find a different lover that was normal. Or maybe he got himself hurt. I decided I didn’t want to think about the other option. It’s already painful to know that I hadn’t seen him in two years. The only thing that made me glad was that I was able to leave that madhouse and I eventually got the hang of talking, and live my own life. Although that was hard because I had nowhere to go until I found out who let me leave that place. I hoped it was Gerard but found out that it wasn’t. It was my mother.

I was terrified that my father would be waiting for me, and when I got into the car that was my first thought. And when I looked at her hand, there wasn’t a marriage ring on her finger. I said, “Mom?”

“Yes, Sweetie?” she responded.

“Uh, d-did you get a divorce?”

My mother sighed. “Yes, and I quit drugs, too.”

I sighed, but it wasn’t a sad sigh, it was a relieved sigh. I didn’t have to worry about that sadistic bastard. Eventually, I’d be able to leave the house and really start my own life. I was hoping to find Gerard. I knew he didn’t leave the country or live far away. He mentioned that he lived in Belleview, and I did live in Belleview, too.

Once we got to the house, I realized it wasn’t the house I had been tortured it. I was relieved at that because I didn’t need reminded of all the torture and abuse I had endured for many years. I didn’t need to be reminded of Him and what he has done to me. It was a fresh start that I was willing to take. I needed to find a job and help my mother out because I could tell by her worn-out face that she was facing troubles herself, and it wasn’t fair. I knew that I shouldn’t feel sympathy because she never cared or listened to me when I needed it the most. But I realized that maybe the drugs prevented her mind to believing it and she didn’t know what happened behind my bedroom door.

“Son, I want to talk to you before we go inside. Okay?” she said.

I nodded. “Okay.”

“I want to say I’m sorry for not listening. It wasn’t until I found your old diary and asked your…father about it. He finally told me, I told the police and then we divorced. He’s not here anymore, and now that I got you, I’m happy. I quit drugs _for you_. And only you,” she said, the last part seemed to make her eyes rim with tears.

“Mom…you did?” I said. “You did it for me?”

“Yes, because _I love you_.”

I’ll be honest. I wasn’t expecting her to say that, she hasn’t said that since I was a little boy. I felt like I needed to return the three words, but they were hard to force out of my mouth because I was so afraid that when I say them, that she’ll be taken away from me. Every time I say those words, people get taken away.

“You don’t have to say it, Frank,” my mom said, “I just want you to know that I do. That’s why I quit drugs and brought you out of your misery in that madhouse.”

“Thank you, Mom.” I closed my eyes before saying, “I love you, too and I forgive you.”

My mom laughed and shredded tears. She was happy, and I don’t think she’s ever been _this_ happy before. I unbuckled my seatbelt and reached over to give her the longest hug, and I kissed her cheek before backing off and getting out of the car. She and I walked into the house. I sat awkwardly on the couch.

“Honey, you want anything to eat?” my mom asked. “I can fix you something better than what those people fixed you at that madhouse. Jeez, I bet it tasted like ass or cardboard.”

I laughed. “I actually am hungry,” I said, nervously.

“What would you like?”

“I don’t mind. Whatever you want to eat, too,” I said.

“Okay. Well, how about soup and biscuits?” she suggested. “What kind of soup do you like?”

“Chicken noodle soup?” I said.

“That used to be your favorite as a child,” she chuckled. “I’ll be right back. Make yourself home; it’s your home after all, too.”

“Okay. Thank you, Mom.”

I turned on the TV as she walked into the kitchen. I searched through the channels but eventually I had gotten bored. I walked up the stairs to look around, and I seen my bedroom. It had a single bed, and a guitar. I had never gotten a guitar before. I didn’t know if it was supposed to be a surprise or not, so I rushed out of the room and into the bathroom. I did have to pee, anyway. Once I was finished doing my business, I walked downstairs.

“Foods done,” she said with a smile. “Did you go upstairs?”

“Yeah…I had to use the bathroom.”

“Alrighty,” she said. “Sit, sit down. We’ll eat together.”

I looked down at the chicken noodle soup. It smelled so good that I had to dig in, and it was so much better than the mental institute’s ‘chicken soup’, and honestly, it wasn’t chicken noodle soup. It was just chicken broth and veggies. And my mom was right—the institute’s food tasted like cardboard…or ass.

“I have a surprise for you after lunch,” my mom said.

I raised my eyebrows. “What is it?”

“It’ a surprise, silly,” she laughed.

I ate my lunch and so did she. I helped her clean up despite her protests of that it wasn’t necessary, but I did anyway. It was the least I could do and I saw her smile, bright and big. She led me upstairs and into my room. She gently grabbed the guitar and handed it to me when I sat on the bed. I smiled even though I saw it before. It was beautiful. It was white and I absolutely loved it.

“Thank you, Mom,” I said, breathless. “Thank you so much. I love it.”

“I’m glad you do.” She sat down on my bed and looked at me as I took in more of my room. It looked like any typical teenager’s room. I gently placed the guitar back on it’s stand and opened the closet to find clothing and my old books. I was a smart kid—I didn’t read childish books. I picked a book up and smiled at it because I remember my grandmother gave it to me, and there was a stain on page 282. I opened that page and smiled at the ice cream stain. I remember how that stain got there.

I was around the age of six when my grandmother took me to get ice cream and to the library. She took me to the park and read the book to me, because I obviously couldn’t read too well. I was too engrossed in the words to notice my ice cream was melting until it dripped on the book and slid down my fingers. My grandmother didn’t get mad; she helped me clean myself up and gently as possible to get the stain off.

I hadn’t been this happy since I had been with Gerard. That’s when I put the book back and my shoulder’s sunk. The memories of Gerard playing back made me sad, and I wished it didn’t. I wanted this day to be about happiness because my mother deserved that. She hadn’t been able to be near me in two years.

“Sweetie, what’s wrong?” she asked.

I sniffled. “I miss Gerard.”

“Is Gerard that boy that was at the table the last time I saw you?”

I turned around and nodded. I sat back down on the bed before I said, “I loved him.”

“He’s not at the institute anymore, is he?”

I shook my head. “I don’t know what they told you, but we ran off for…like, a day. I think. Anyway, I got sent back and Gerard left. Before he left, I told him I loved him.”

“Did he say anything back?”

“I don’t remember. All I know is that I miss him so much.”

“Did he visit you?”

“No. No, he didn’t and I don’t know why! It makes no sense whatsoever,” I muttered. “Two years, Mom! Two years since I saw him. He knows my secrets, and I know his. But what if he never did like me and only stuck there for me because I was lonely? No one really talked to me before him—well, I mean a couple people did but eventually they gave up because I didn’t talk to anyone back then. But even before you took me out of the institute they didn’t talk to me. They must’ve heard me declare my love for Gerard, and they didn’t want to befriend a faggot.”

“Sh, Honey, I seriously doubt that.” She rubbed my back as to try to comfort me. I laid my head on her shoulder. She smelled nice and she was warm. “Just because you’re gay, you shouldn’t use that word. It’s mean, you know? Plus, who cares if you’re gay? It’s what makes you who you are! No one can change that, okay? I bet Gerard did want to talk to you but couldn’t because maybe someone told him no because of the incident. Who knows, but maybe you’ll see him soon? Maybe you guys will meet one day and be reunited.”

 “I really hope so, Mom,” I said through tears. I scooted up on the bed and lay down.

“How about you get some rest?” she suggested.

“Yeah, rest sounds amazing.” I closed my eyes as she covered me up as if I was a child and kissed my forehead. I smiled before dozing off.

XXX

_“Frank, I have to tell you something.” Gerard’s voice was serious. I nodded, willing him to go on. “Alright, and this is making me have a lot of guts to say this. Please don’t laugh, okay?” I nodded again. We both sat up, and I turned to face him and he faced me. Gerard closed his eyes before saying, “I like you. And I’m not good with others, but I feel brave enough to say all of this because—actually, I don’t know. All I know is that I like you. You’re such an amazing person. I don’t care that you don’t speak and I’m sorry about your past but I don’t think different of you. I don’t hold it against you and I never plan to either.”_

_I could feel my eyes watering and I tried to keep them in, but it was so hard. I felt a lone tear fall down my cheeks and I felt Gerard’s thumb rub away the stray tear. His hand and fingers were soft, comforting. I loved his touches and they didn’t make me feel bugs like when others touch me. I smiled at him and he smiled back, and whispered, “You’re so beautiful, Frank.”_

_My cheeks turned red and I closed my eyes. I tried to hold my giggles in. I wasn’t laughing at Gerard, I was laughing because that’s what I do when I blush. It makes things so difficult. I lay back on the bed and covered my red face. It was probably red as a tomato and from Gerard’s face, I could see him smile. His child-like teeth showing and it was the most adorable thing, ever. I was falling fast and I could tell he was, too, but he was just scared to move fast because of my past. But I wish I could tell him that he could. Maybe it was best that we take this slow. Who knows?_

_“Just look at that blush,” Gerard teased, only making my face brighter. “It’s so adorable.”_

_I scowled at him and he lay back down with me. He places my head on his chest and my laughing stops. I felt and heard his heart beating, and it was comforting. I don’t know why, but it just did. It was even more comforting feeling his fingers going through my hair. I never wanted this moment to end. But I could feel my eyes slipping shut and it was getting harder and harder not to close them._

_“You can sleep,” he whispered, knowing that I was fighting to stay awake. “I’ll still be here.”_

I woke up and for a minute I thought I was in mental institute and got confused as to where I was at, but then I realized…oh yeah, I’m home. I’m with my mother. I’m safe, comfortable and…without Gerard. The dream left me feeling sad again. I can’t get my damn mind off of him. Why did he have to come into my already messed up life, stay with me and then leave me feeling alone and miserable?

I sighed before going downstairs where I saw my mother watching TV. I sat down on the couch with her and lay my head on her shoulder. She smiled. I guess she missed her baby boy and cuddling him. I guess I still am her baby boy despite all the shit we’ve been through. I felt safe in her warm arms and loved, once again.

_I was breathing heavily and I looked at Gerard and before he went out of the room I yelled, “I love you.”_

_It seemed everything stopped because I stopped struggling against Dr. Foster and Dr. Foster froze, too. But that didn’t stop the other doctor taking Gerard out of the room, but in the hall I heard, “Bye Frank, love you too,” from Gerard’s weak voice._

I didn’t realize I was staring into space until my mom’s voice spoke. “What’re you thinking?” she asked.

“Just about Gerard, really,” I said. “Just some things he said to me.”

“What’d he say?”

“I just remembered _he did_ say ‘I love you’,” I said. “He said it before they led Gerard out of the institute. He was about to cry when he said it.”

“I’m sorry.” My mom sighed. “Love stinks, doesn’t it?”

I nodded. Love does stink because you either break up or marry them. And even if you do marry them, then you could be miserable in that marriage or break up or even stay together, which I highly doubt happens. Life sucks because it kicks you anytime you’re up and when you’re down, you don’t get help. Life is like a bully. It kicks you around over and over again.

“Life sucks, too,” I said.

“You’re right, you truly are,” she said, “but we’ll get through this together. Tomorrow we should go shopping! It’ll be fun, yeah?”

I chuckled. “Sure, Mom, but you realize I’m a boy, right?”

“Yeah, I know,” she said. “But…I’m sure you want your own choice of clothing, right?”

“Yeah, I do,” I said. I wondered who’s clothing that was in my closet.

XXX

 

Yesterday seemed to go by quick and I went to bed early, and it seemed I didn’t dream of anything the entire night. I woke up around 11:30, and I showered, got dressed and I noticed these clothes seemed to fit and they were new considering the tags were still on them. I was glad they were new and not my father’s. I smiled, knowing the fact.

After I was cleaned up, I walked downstairs. I saw my mother in a robe as she cooked breakfast. It smelt nice and I noticed it was French toast. I liked that. The institute would rarely cook it and it sucked because I really liked French toast.

 “Moring, Ma,” I said.

“Morning, Sweetie,” she said with a smile. “You like French toast, right?”

“Yes,” I said.

“Good, good.” She continued cooking until they were done. There was a good amount of French toast and she told me to dig in as she grabbed her a few pieces. She left the rest for me and I thanked her.

“This is great,” I told her.

“Thank you.” She looked at me before she said, “You’re tiny, eat as much as you want.”

“Thank you, Mom.” I did eat a lot until it was finished. I felt stuffed and after an hour my mom got ready so we could go out.

When it was time for us to leave, we got into the car and drove to the clothing store. She walked to the boys/men’s section of the store and followed me if I needed help. I didn’t like the fact that she was following me but I didn’t want to be rude and tell her to stop. I just let it go on as I picked up shirts that I thought looked interesting until I looked at the price tag. I didn’t want to buy a $50 shirt. It was outrageous at how much some of these shirts cost. Jeez, not that many people are made out of money.

I looked at a shirt that was on clearance and it was interesting, and there were jeans with holes in the jeans. I liked that outfit and it seemed to go well. I looked at my mom and she raised her eyebrow, questioning as to why I would want jeans _with holes in them_.

“I like this, Mom,” I said. “It doesn’t cost much, either.”

“Honey, I don’t care how much it cost, but if you want this outfit—and truly would wear it, I will buy it for you.”

I smiled. “Thank you. An um, can I go to the…underwear aisle by myself?” I said awkwardly.

“Of course,” she said with a giggle.

As I was walking to the aisle, I couldn’t find it. I got nervous as I walked up to a worker to ask him where it could be. “Um, e-excuse me, can you help me?” I asked.

The worker turned around and my throat seemed to have gotten tight. My eyes widened and my hands shook. I was so shocked. The black hair was shorter than I remember, and it was no longer stringy and in his face. It was short and perfect. His eyes seemed worn-out, but it was him.

“Frank?” Gerard said.

I looked down at the name tag and it said, ‘ _Gerard_ ’.

It was my Gerard.

 

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

I could feel my heart beating faster, I had a cold sweat, and I froze. I couldn’t believe that I was inches away from Gerard. Despite my shock, I was also angry. This bastard left me to only avoid me. He changed himself, started working at a store but not once had he ever stopped by to visit me. He could’ve at least sent a letter, for fucksake! It’s not far from here, either. I thought he loved me. When you say those three words, you got to mean it or you’re being a total asshole and liar. He _betrayed_ me.

“It really is you, Frank,” Gerard said. “How’ve—”

“No,” I interrupted him, “don’t say a word until you hear me out. Understand?” I was angry, so angry that I gritted my teeth.

“Okay.”

“You betrayed and abandoned me!” I said, taking a deep breath. “Two years, Gerard. Two fucking long years, and not a word from you! Where the hell were you? Did you meet someone else? Someone who wasn’t locked up, depressed and fucking sad all the time? Did you fuck them knowing you always could?” I started breathing heavily. “You said ‘I love you’ before you abandoned me, you ass! You lied. I put myself out there, told you EVERYTHING but not once did you visit me and not once did I get a single letter or call. I always hoped that during visiting you’d visit me, but no.” I shook my head. “You didn’t. I sat there, alone. No one talked to me—they didn’t want to. I was a mess, do you not understand that?” I felt tears pricking my eyes and I tried keeping my voice down to not start a scene but I was so angry, and I could feel a few eyes on me but I didn’t care.

“I’m—” Gerard tried to say.

“No! Listen, I’m not done yet.” I scratched my head before I said, “I don’t know why you had to come into my messed up life, try and make me feel happiness to only leave me feeling sad, miserable, and helpless. Oh! Don’t forget alone.” I started to laugh at myself. “Now you may speak, if you wish. But I bet your excuse is useless.”

Gerard seemed speechless. “Frank,” he sighed, “please listen to me. Okay?”

“Say whatever you want,” I seethed.

“I didn’t visit you because I knew you were a mess, and they told me I couldn’t. They didn’t want me to give you any ideas as to escape again. I tried visiting you; it was on your birthday. I had a gift and everything, I swear. But they told me I couldn’t come and they threw my gift away.” Gerard looked down at his work shoes. “And I had gotten so caught up in earning money to move out of my parent’s house that I couldn’t drive back and forth to only have them say no to me. It wasn’t fair, so I gave up. My life got out of control and the rest is personal.”

“ _Personal_?” I scoffed. “Gerard, do you not realize I told _you_ personal stuff!”

“I do, Frank. I really do know,” he said. “But there are things I don’t want to tell you.”

I rolled my eyes at his pathetic excuses. “Did you fuck someone?” I blurted.

Gerard bit his lip before saying, “No. I wanted to, but I didn’t go through with it.”

“Are you being honest?”

“Do you really doubt me, Frank?” Gerard seemed hurt.

“Actually yeah, I am, because you betrayed me about loving me!” I cried.

“I didn’t betray you, Frank!” Gerard said. “I do love you, but you need to move on. Jeez, it’s been what, two years?”

“Move on?” I scoffed. “You’re telling me to move on?! How can I move on? I put myself out there on a silver platter. I opened up _for you_ , broke down those walls I had built for seven years for you! I made myself vulnerable.”

“Stop arguing before I kick you out of this store,” Gerard said. His anger was getting the best of him. “I don’t want to jeopardize my job just because you’re angry. Maybe after work I’ll talk to you, who knows but all I know is that I don’t want to lose this job! I tried for so long to get a job, so long. It’s been paying me well; I’m able to afford my home. I don’t need you ruining it.”

“Really? How would I contact you, huh? Tell me exactly if I don’t have your address or number?”

“I’ll give you my damn number. Jeez, Frank,” Gerard said, shaking his head as he pulled out a piece of paper to write his number down.

“I am going to call you. I hope you know that,” I said, accepting the paper and putting it in my pocket.

“Don’t stalk me,” he warned me.

“I’m not going to. I just want fucking answers, you asshole,” I said, loudly.

“Shut up,” Gerard said. Gerard had never rose his voice at me or told me to ‘shut up’. It hurt me even though I was angry. I felt the tears pricking my eyes and I felt like screaming because it only reminded me of my father. He always told me to shut up before he took advantage of me.

I swallowed and tried to hide my face to show him that I wasn’t about to cry, that I still wasn’t a week seventeen-year-old. I wanted him to know that I was pissed off and that I had gotten stronger, but no. Gerard noticed it and he lifted my chin.

“I’m sorry,” he said. “I shouldn’t have gotten angry. But you’re yelling at me, expecting me not to get angry.”

“Whatever. Shove your damn apology up your ass,” I spat. “I want answers, Gerard. And you’re not giving me any! It’s pissing me off.” My voice rose again and I pushed Gerard, almost making him fall. He reclaimed his balance and looked at me.

“I’ll give you answers only if you leave this store,” Gerard growled at me. I wanted hit him but I didn’t want to stoop so low.

I walked away with a mean look at Gerard. I saw my mom at the cashier’s and paying for the clothes. I walked up to her and whispered, “Can we hurry up and leave?” I asked.

She looked down at my hands, noticing they were empty. “Did something happen, Sweetie?”

I looked down and bit my lip. I was not going to cry, I thought I was done with this crying bullshit two years ago. I’m nineteen and I wanted to cry. How pathetic am I? I swallowed before saying, “I’m going to the car. Thank you for the clothes, Mom.”

I walked to the car and went inside. I looked out the window as I chewed on my nails. It was a habit when I got nervous, upset or if I was bored. It helped me even though it was a horrible habit. I was startled when the door opened and my mom got in the car. I looked at her and she looked at me after she placed the bag of clothes on backseats.

“Honey, what happened?” she asked.

I sighed before telling her everything happened. I went through detail; I even cussed but excused my language. She didn’t seem to mind, and I tried holding back tears. After I told her everything, I sighed. “I bet he hates me now,” I said.

“Honey, I doubt that. But his and your anger was unnecessary, okay?” she said. “I’m not mad that you got angry, but it was the wrong place and time. Maybe talking to Gerard somewhere else would be better, okay? Like…maybe a park or in your room. If you choose your room, then I’ll give you total privacy. I swear.”

“Thanks, Mom,” I said.

“How about we get lunch and ice cream?” she asked. She knew the right words. I hadn’t had ice cream in ages.

We drove to a Dairy Queen and I ordered chicken strips with fries and a chocolate ice cream, my mother ordered the same. We sat down and I ate my food with her. It was quiet and it brought me back to Gerard and me when I used to eat at our table together. We didn’t need words; we were quite content with it being silent.

“Are you okay?” my mom asked.

“Yeah, thank you, Mom.” I smiled before saying, “I haven’t had ice cream in a long time.”

“Poor boy, they deprived you from the good stuff. But then again, if they tried to even _make_ ice cream, I bet it’d taste like shit.”

I chuckled. “I know, right?”

XXX

 

The rest of yesterday went about the same of the last, but it seemed to be fun, and I finally got what I wanted; mom who loved me, who didn’t drink or do drugs. She truly loves me and I can tell. Each day I feel the love radiating off of her every time she does something for me or says she loves me. I love her—she isn’t the same woman years ago. She’s different, more independent and self-efficient. She doesn’t need drugs or alcohol.

By Saturday, however, I called Gerard using my mom’s phone. Gerard answered, “Hello?” he said.

“H-hi, it’s Frank,” I said, nervously.

“I know,” he said.

“Do you want to meet up? We can come to my place or…to the park or something.”

Gerard huffed. “I’ll go to your place.”

I told him where I lived and I hurried to clean up in my room, and around the house. I told my mom that Gerard was coming over and she said she’d slither into the office to give us privacy when he arrives. I thanked her as I waited for Gerard to arrive. It only took about twenty minutes to get him here and he arrived. I led him upstairs and into my room.

“So…this is my room,” I said. “Make yourself comfortable.”

Gerard sat down at my desk and looked at me before saying, “What did you want to ask?”

“I want the truth to everything. I know there are certain things you didn’t want customers knowing, so now that we have privacy I want the truth,” I told him.

“Okay. Go ahead,” he said.

“First of all, I want to apologize for the store incident.” Gerard nodded. “But I want the truth as if you love me still and if you had sex with anyone else. There are more questions, but those are the first ones that come to mind.”

Gerard closed his eyes. “Frank, my life has changed in two years. When I told you I love you, I meant it. I don’t spit out those words on a whim and not mean them. It’s rude when people do that and I’ve been through that before. It hurts like hell, doesn’t it?” I nodded before he went on again. “As for having sex with someone, I’ll be honest. But don’t get upset, you wanted honesty.”

I felt my stomach sink and I felt my hands begin to shake, and I bit my lip out of a nervous habit. My leg started to shake as I waited for him to speak.

“Yes,” he said. “I did, once—it was a one-night stand. I wasn’t...I wasn’t really thinking, and by the time I was finished, I felt guilty. It made me depressed—I couldn’t face it anymore. I eventually moved out, I tried moving on but I couldn’t. I tried seeing you but no one would let me. I love you, Frank. I don’t know if the love is still there because it had been so long. But who knows, right?” Gerard sighed. “Do you want to ask me anything else?”

“Did…did you ever think of me?”

“Of course I did, Frank,” he said. “I thought about you all the time. I tried not to, but it was so hard. I missed you.”

I looked down before saying, “I missed you, too.”

“I had thought about you so much. I drew you, painted you and thought about what my life would be like if you were with me every day. I tried getting you out of my head, it was driving me insane.”

“I’m sorry,” I whispered.

“It’s not your fault,” Gerard said. “I got so attached to you. But there was nothing I could do to see you or touch you. When I saw you in the store, I wanted to hug you but you got all pissed off. I have anger issues—I’m angry at myself for so many reasons, you can’t even believe.” Gerard shook his head.

“Why’re you angry at yourself?” I asked.

“I don’t know whether I should tell you.”

I was confused. I thought we were going to be open with each other. “I thought you were going to tell me things.”

“I don’t know whether this should be one of them, Frank,” he said, tears in his eyes.

“W-what do you mean? What’s going on?”

“I start chemo soon,” he blurted.

My mouth hung open and it felt like my world and heart stopped. It took me a few minutes to realize what he said. I didn’t want to believe what he just said. Gerard couldn’t have cancer. He was fine two years ago. Wasn’t he…?”

“I don’t understand. You were fine two years ago,” I stated.

“Actually, no I wasn’t.” Gerard rubbed his face. “Last year I got diagnosed. Eventually the doctors and I thought I was fine, so they stopped chemo. But then I started showing signs again. They’re putting me on chemo again.”

“Oh, my God,” I whispered through tears.

“That is another reason I didn’t want you to see me.”

I felt so horrible because I lashed out on him for not visiting me. He had his own issues going on, he didn’t need mine. “I’m sorry,” I said, the tears finally breaking through. I let out a sob before whimpering, “I’m sorry I lashed out on you.”

“You didn’t know, Frank,” he said. “You were angry at me because you thought I didn’t visit you because you also thought I was avoiding you. I wasn’t avoiding you, really. I was scared of seeing you because it was a matter of time before my hair fell out, eventually it did. And now that it has grown back, I’m ready to face society, and you.”

I smiled through the tears. Gerard walked over to me and hugged me tightly. It felt like the hugs he used to give me. I hugged him back, and he smelled nice. I took in the scent and I lay on him. I felt safe with him again.

I heard a knock on the door and I opened the door. “Yeah, Mom?” I asked.

“Are you boys hungry?” she asked.

I looked at Gerard. “Yeah,” I said and Gerard agreed.

“Alright. I’ll bring some food up here for you,” she said before leaving.

I closed the door and sat on bed again. “Your mom seems nice,” Gerard commented.

“She is. She changed so much.”

Gerard looked at me and asked, “How so?”

“She doesn’t do drugs, she left my father, and she got help to get away from alcohol. She quit for me.” I smiled.

“I’m so glad your life is better, Frank.” Gerard hugged me again. “I can see you’re happy, am I right?”

“I am. I have a good mom.” I looked at him before saying, “And I have you.”

“Yeah, you have me now, too.”


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it's shorter than the others, sorry. :c
> 
> I'll write more tomorrow! My computers dying and I'm tired. Goodnight, y'all!!!

I felt butterflies when I heard those words come out of Gerard’s mouth. It stayed with me the rest of the week, and eventually my mom got me my own phone. I was able to text or call Gerard when I could or when he could. I could tell that Gerard and I were starting to get back to how we were before. He wasn’t angry with me, and neither was I. I was so glad. I wanted to be in his arms, be loved by him and I wanted to touch his lips and his touch mine. I never knew how I would accomplish the next move. I don’t know if I was ready for sex, but I was willing to try.

It was the weekend when Gerard was finally getting to come over again. I looked at Gerard when I and he entered the room. Gerard sat on my bed with me and he looked back at me. He bit his lip and broke the silence by saying, “I know there’s something on your mind. What is it?”

I laughed. “I-I was wondering something.”

“What were you wondering?” he asked.

“If you’d ever have sex with me,” I blurted.

“Oh.” Gerard looked down at his folded hands. “I knew you’d ask that question soon enough.”

I was surprise. “How…how did you know?”

“Well, after me telling you about sleeping with someone, I knew I caught your attention and your curiosity. Am I right?”

“Yeah,” I said and nodded. “You did, but…I. I don’t know if I am ready, all I know is that I wanted to know what the pleasurable thing about it is.”

Gerard took a deep breath. “Frank, there are a lot of pleasurable things behind sex.” Before I could say anything he added on, “The intimacy you feel and the emotions when you’re with someone who loves you and you love them. And other stuff, too.” The last part a blush was there.

I chuckled. “What do you mean ‘other stuff’?”

“Well, when someone touches you, kisses you, it makes you feel special.”

“C-can we do that?”

“Frank…” he said with a deep sigh. “I don’t. I don’t know.”

“Is it because you don’t like me that way? Or-or because of my past?”

“Well, the second part is true.” Gerard lay back. “I’m afraid of hurting you. We had just started talking again, you know? I just. I don’t know, really.”

“Y-you love me, right?”

“You know I do.”

“Then…take me,” I muttered, miserably.

“Frank, we’re taking this relationship one-step at a time. We will get at that point at some point.”

“But what if I pop a boner just looking at you?” I giggled.

Gerard rolled his eyes. “I doubt it.”

“I get urges now,” I said, a slight tent of red on my cheeks. “I don’t think of him. I don’t have nightmares, I hope you know.”

“I know,” he said. “I want to start slow.”

“What do you mean?” I pushed.

“Like this.” Gerard sat up before turning my head and placing his lips on mine. The kiss was slow, innocent but passionate.

Gerard placed his hand on the back of my scalp and he gently rubbed. His hand slowly went from my scalp to my neck and then to my waist. It sent shivers down my spine and I felt a smirk on his lips as he rubbed my waist up and down. He slid his hand under my shirt and despite me being warm, goose bumps were on my skin and I kept shivering under his touch.

Gerard pulled back. “Maybe that’s as far as we’ll go for right now.”

“That—,” Gerard shushed me with a kiss but after the kiss I finished my sentence, “That’s not fair, Gerard.”

 Gerard looked at me and said teasingly, “How so?”

“Um,” I said, slightly embarrassed because. Well, my jeans got a little tighter during our make out session. I bit my lip.

Gerard looked down. “Oh, I guess you have a little issue.”

My cheeks turned bright red and I started stuttering. I was so embarrassed. My virgin body and mind _couldn’t get it down_ when needed the most. I even tried thinking of disgusting stuff but my mind would only return to Gerard and how I remember his soft lips and the feel of them against mine. It felt nice. I want that feeling forever…and ever.

“You sound like a cliché porn dialog,” I muttered.

“Oh! So now someone has been watching porn?” Gerard winked.

Goddamn him. He always makes me blush so easily. “I guess,” I said.

Soon after that Gerard went back to kissing me, but it was faster than the last kiss. I don’t think he minded that I was only a beginner of a kisser. I didn’t exactly know what to do or how to do it. I just let him take control, and surprisingly, I didn’t mind. All I was focusing on was his lips and how I could feel a little bit of stubble on his gorgeous face. I didn’t want him to move, I wanted him to stay right here with his lips on mine. It was so pleasurable but I wanted to go farther. I wanted to see what sex—consenting sex—was like. Was it different? Was the pain still there despite that I would say yes? Or different knowing it was Gerard?

When we were breathless, I pulled back and said, “What’s-what’s consenting sex like, Gerard? Is it different?”

“Yes,” he said, “it is because you feel good that your partner is listening to you without forcing you. Its amazing knowing your partner wants you, not just a quick get-off. You know they’ll stop when you say stop.”

“You would stop if I said stop?” I blurted.

“Of course, Frank. I would _never_ want to hurt you that way,” he said sternly. “I don’t want to see you that way if we ever get to that step.”

“Do you think we ever would?”

“Yes,” he said.

“When would we do it? Soon?” I asked, my heart was racing because of nerves and excitement.

“I-I don’t know, Frank.” Gerard pecked my lips before saying, “One step at a time, remember?”


	4. Chapter 4

I hated that Gerard said that we should take it slow. He only made me want him more than I already do, but I can also see his logic. I think he’s afraid of startling me or making me think he’s rushing me into an intimate relationship. I know I want sex, even though the thought of it makes me nervous. It isn’t the fact that I had a horrible past; it’s the fact that there could be pain. I don’t do pain—it makes me cringe.

I was in the passenger seat of Gerard’s car as he drove us to his place after I begged my mom. She was very nervous about the idea, but she’s slowly letting me have my freedom. Gerard drove carefully to his house and led me inside after we arrived.

The outside of his house was beautiful, for an apartment. He led me to his room and we sat down on his bed together. His room was a mess, but it was just like mine. There was some take-out boxes, paper balled up, and paint brushes scattered across the place and there were dirty clothes.

“Sorry it’s a mess,” he apologized.

“It’s fine,” I said. “Mine is worse.”

“What do you want to do?” Gerard asked. “I have a few movies…uh, we can draw? Or play video games.”

“I like movies,” I responded. “What movies do you have?”

Gerard grabbed a box full of DVDs and handed it to me. He had an impressive collection and I skimmed until I found a movie that had been on during rec-time in the institute. It was when Gerard and I had just started getting to know each other. We both liked the movie. I think that’s another thing we have in common. I smiled and handed it to him.

“I remember watching this during rec-time,” he said. “You were sitting by me, too.”

 I laughed. “Yeah, we both liked it,” I told him as he put in the movie.

Gerard and I scooted back on the bed so our back was on the headboard. I lay my head on his shoulder and he wrapped his arm around my middle. The position was comfortable as we watched the movie, and I liked it. Gerard suddenly stopped the movie, I gave him a confused look but then he said, “Popcorn!” then he rushed out of the room. I followed him into the kitchen as he removed the plastic and placed the bag inside the microwave.

As a minute on the timer passed, the smell filled my nostrils and I smiled. It reminded me of my grandmother and I looked at Gerard. Gerard looked at me and leaned over to me to place a quick kiss on my lips, the kiss only making my smile bigger. Gerard got closer to me and placed his hands on my hips to only then place a deeper kiss. The kiss lasted longer than the first one and I favored the longer kisses Gerard would give me. The longer kisses were more passionate and they left me wanting more.

Soon enough Gerard’s hands were under my shirt and rubbing the now slightly pudgy skin. It sent shivers up and down my spine. When his left hand went on my back and his tongue slipped into my mouth, I let out a slight noise. I hoped Gerard didn’t notice, but of course he did, Gerard noticed everything because he pulled back and looked at me. His lips were swollen and red; I figured mine were, too. I mentally shrugged as I tried to catch my breath.

“That, that was…uh, intense,” Gerard commented. He pushed his hands through his hair and looked at the microwave. The microwave said, ‘end’ and Gerard grabbed a bowl before opening the microwave and then he poured the popcorn in it. I followed him into the bedroom and we resumed our position as he turned the movie back on. I wish we could go back in that damn kitchen and go back to our make-out session.

Half-way through the movie, I got bored even though I liked the movie. I looked at Gerard and noticed he was engrossed with the movie. He was barely paying attention to the popcorn he dropped back into the bowl. He didn’t notice that I was staring at him. Eventually, I got an idea and I acted out on it. I swung my leg over his and I accidently spilled the popcorn.

“The pop—!” the rest of his sentence was muffled by my lips as I pushed mine onto his.

“Screw the popcorn,” I said before kissing him again. I placed my hands on his neck and put more pressure into the kiss. I tried to do what I’ve learned so far and Gerard seemed to have liked it because he had started to kiss me back. He placed his hands in my hair, slowly tangling his fingers in my hair, and then he slid his hands down my back and placed them on my hips. He slightly dug his fingers in my sides, but it didn’t hurt.

“You’ve gotten good at this,” Gerard said, breathless. “I’ve taught you well, haven’t I?”

I giggled before saying, “Yeah, you did.”

“I’m glad I broke down your wall,” he muttered before going back to kissing me. Blindly, he swept the popcorn and bowl off the bed. He pushed me so I was on my back and our lips stayed connected the entire time. One of his knees was between my thighs, and it was slightly pushing against my crotch. I squeezed my eyes shut tightly.

Gerard pulled his lips off mine and our foreheads on each other. “Okay?” he whispered.

“I’m okay,” I responded. I tried to keep the moans that tried to escape inside, it was so embarrassing. I didn’t want Gerard hearing them. They weren’t attractive and I didn’t want to lose him again because of the unattractive noises that wanted to escape, but I knew that sounded like a lame excuse. But whatever, still.

Gerard’s lips traveled from my lips, to my chin, my neck and then my collarbone. He slid the collar of my shirt down and then he looked up, asking for permission to take off my shirt. I nodded and it was off. Gerard sat up and looked at me. His staring was making me uncomfortable, I didn’t think my stomach was attractive, either.

Gerard’s hands were on my stomach and then my sides. “You’re so beautiful, Frank,” he whispered, as if it was a secret. “You’re like a piece of art.” I wanted to protest but before I could Gerard said, “You’re…just. It’s like God worked hard on you, so hard to make you perfect. Just look at yourself. So beautiful, that’s what you are.” After Gerard finished his sentence, he went back to kissing me. I couldn’t get enough of his soft lips on mine. I didn’t think I was a work of art like Gerard said, but I ignored my thoughts. I didn’t want the mood being ruined by my self-conscious thoughts.

We got back into the rhythm of the kiss and I got lost in it. Gerard was an amazing kiss, if I must say so. The way his hands felt as it went from my hair to my neck kept making me shiver, the way his lips felt great against mine, and the way he was close to me. The fact he was still wearing his shirt annoyed me, so I started yanking on it. He pulled his lips off of mine to take his shirt. He went back to kissing me, and that seemed to be all he was doing.

I placed my hands on his biceps when we broke apart again. I looked into Gerard’s lust-filled eyes and he stared back at me. It was like he was taking me all in. I wanted to curl in but I just lay there for him and before I knew it, he was unbuckling my belt. He slid the belt off and before he popped the button he looked at my eyes and I nodded. He popped the button and slid the zipper down, and then he pulled my pants down. He looked at me and his gaze was intense, fuck, was it ever intense.

My immediate thought was, _holy shit, were going to do it,_ but Gerard must’ve read my mind because he said, “We’re not having sex. We’re just going to have a little fun, yeah?”

I nodded and said a breathless, “Yeah.”

Gerard unbuttoned his pants and slid them down; he threw them across the room and got back on top of me. “If I scare you, tell me. Okay?” he said.

I only nodded before slipping his hands in my boxers. He grabbed my erection and pulled the boxers out of the way. I grasped his white sheets and closed my eyes, and I tried to keep the noises in. Gerard started kissing my neck and near my ear. I knew he wasn’t leaving a hickey; he was just licking and kissing.

“C’mon, Frankie, let me hear you,” he whispered. “Let me hear you, baby.”

I tint of red covered my cheeks when the first noise came out. It was just a whimper but it was loud, and I knew Gerard heard it. I tried to focus on the pleasure instead of the noises coming out of my mouth. He was still pumping my erection, slowly. He swiped his thumb over the slit and then he started kissing my face, my lips, my cheek, neck and collarbone. It was when he took my nipple into my mouth that my back arched. I squealed at the pleasure and I felt him smirk. I was getting closer, and I was ashamed of that but when Gerard noticed that, he let go.

“W-what…?” I groaned.

“Edging,” he said simply.

I opened my eyes and looked at him with a confused look. “What’s ‘edging’?”

“It-it’s where you start, you get to that point where your orgasm is starting to show, and then you stop and start until you can’t take anymore. It makes your orgasm _much_ better. Trust me, yeah?” he told me

I swallowed and nodded. Gerard went to kiss at my stomach and he reached back down to touch my erection. He pumped it faster than before and the moans kept coming out of my mouth. His lips traveled lower…and lower until his lips were on the head of my cock.

I groaned, loudly, when his mouth was on the head. He licked the tip before going down, down until he couldn’t take anymore. He was also pumping and swirling, as well. There was so much pleasure in one act. I never knew it felt like this. I finally knew what blowjobs felt like and I didn’t want it to stop. But it eventually stopped when my orgasm hit like a freight train. It was so intense that it made my vision black.

I looked at Gerard once my vision was clear, and what I saw was the hottest thing, ever. He was jacking himself off and he had the perfect ‘o’ face there was ever was. His faces and noises were better than porn.

 _Another thing for my spank bank_ , I said in my mind.

Gerard’s fist was going fast and fast until he came with a load groan. He looked at me with slit eyes and a cocky grin. He went over to his nightstand to clean himself up and me. I looked over at the TV and noticed the credits were rolling.

Gerard threw the napkins in the trashcan and lay beside me. He placed my head on his still bare stomach.

“So much for waiting,” he said.

“I’m not complaining,” I commented. “That was amazing.”

“I knew it would be.” Gerard placed a kiss on my sweaty forehead. “I also knew you’d like it,” he whispered.

“Well, I did.”

“Good, good.” Gerard brushed my hair out of my face. “Do you think your mom would let you stay the night?”

“I kind of already asked her,” I told him. “She…she said yeah.”

“Good, now I have someone to cuddle at night.”

“You’re still a teddy bear, you corny fucker.” I giggled and noticed all the popcorn on the floor. “We have a mess to clean you, I hope you know that.”

Gerard groaned. “I don’t feel like it.”

“I obviously can tell by the amount of trash in your room,” I said, giggling.

“Not my fault, I can’t stop working or thinking of you.”

And there I am, blushing once again.


	5. Chapter 5

That was the only day where it had been my sexual encounter with Gerard, the rest of the weekend consisted of a little bit of kissing, movies, and shopping. I wanted to do more, but anytime I would try to act out, Gerard would pull away and shake his head. I would always sigh and just resume whatever we were doing.

It was Sunday, the day I had to go home. I pouted at Gerard and he just laughed, and kissed my pouty lips. Gerard looked at me and petted my hair as he said, “I don’t want you to go home, either, but I have to work tomorrow, Frank.”

“I’ll be bored. It’s not like I can go to school, wait for you and stuff. I’ll have to be alone in the house,” I told him.

“Where’s your mom during the day?”

“She goes to meetings, like AA and stuff.”

“So…you’re all alone?”

“Mhmm,” I muttered. “When do you get off work?”

“’Round four, sometimes five,” Gerard said as he sighed. “I think I’ll be working until four-thirty today, though.”

I flopped down on the bed and groaned loudly, “I hate Mondays.” I just wanted to stay here, but I also wanted to see my mom. I just didn’t want to be alone during the day, and it was lonely. I didn’t have anything to do. Once I tried cleaning the house, but my mom said not to, that she’ll get it. During the day, there wasn’t anything good on—it was just a bunch of childish cartoons that bored me to _death_. I told Gerard all of this.

“You’re such a goof,” he said. “Cartoons are _that_ childish, I sometimes watch them,” he whispered.

“I’m not a goof,” I muttered.

Gerard looked at me and pushed my hair out of my face. The look he gave me showed his love through his eyes, and it’s the look I always sent him—even when I was mad at him. The store incident I still gave him that look, I didn’t know why, all I know was that I did.

“I don’t know how lucky I had gotten to get you, Frank,” he said, as if it was a secret. “You—you’re just. I don’t know. Despite your stubbornness, your attitude, determination, hot-headedness, I’m a lucky man to get you. You’re beautiful, and you’re sweet. Everything about you, you are just so beautiful. It makes me so jealous. I’m not like you, and I wish I was.”

I raised an eyebrow. Why did he want to be like me? Did he really want to suffer how I did when I was younger because that was not fun whatsoever! I’d never wish someone to be me, at all. It was horrifying to have to live like that and I wish I could’ve helped anyone who had a past like me. I wished them all the best; I hoped they’d get through it in the long run. I didn’t want them scarred and scared, waking up from nightmares.

“You don’t want to be like me, Gerard.”

“You’re not getting the point, Frank. I wish I was as beautiful as you are.”

“Gerard,” I said, sternly, “you _are_! Don’t bring yourself down.”

I leaned over to where he was and kissed his lips softly. He wanted to say something, but I didn’t let off. He started to kiss back and I smiled in the kiss. The kiss wasn’t a naughty, arousing kiss, it was just a romantic kiss. I placed my hands on his neck and he placed both hands on my hips. Although this was how it started for our first sexual encounter, I thought I knew it wasn’t going to go back for that. But the kiss started to get faster and his palms started to wonder under my shirt. Gerard was just rubbing up and down my back, down my spine.

I giggled and sighed in the kiss when he gently squeezed my ass. I had pulled back and looked at him, smiling. His lips were slightly red and he looked absolutely hot right then. Gerard pushed me down so I was l lying on my back; Gerard had got on top of me. Somehow he knew that he shouldn’t sit on my hips, he should only be close and hover over me. I smiled up at him before kissing him.

Gerard’s lips traveled from mine, to my cheek, my neck, and collarbone. I had closed my eyes has he was kissing me and I enjoyed the moment and pleasure. I didn’t care how far we went as long as his lips were either kissing mine or kissing me anywhere on my body.

Gerard had started to pull my shirt up and off my body, and the cold air hit my skin. The first time we had done this it wasn’t cold, it was just the right temperature, but now it was cold—every hair on my body was sticking up. I ignored it and looked down at Gerard as he was slowly kissing down my chest. He wouldn’t stay in one spot, I didn’t complain, though. It was quite enjoyable, in all honesty. I closed my eyes and sighed, just enjoying the pleasure he was giving me.

The way his lips went across my body was so distracting, so when he took off my pants and boxers, I didn’t care because he just went back to kissing and rubbing my sides. It felt amazing; Gerard was so amazing with his fingers and hands.

Gerard stopped kissing me and I knew he’d be back to kiss me so I didn’t bother opening my eyes. I just mentally shrugged it off and ignored the cold, as well. I heard Gerard removing his own clothes and then the bed creaking, I knew he was getting back to kissing me because I felt his lips on mine. I felt his smirk and then his lips turning into a smile.

“Frankie,” he whispered, “look at me, okay?”

I opened my eyes and looked him in the eyes. “If you’re going to ask me if I’m okay, then I’m probably going to say I’m _more than_ okay. I’m fantastic.” With my answer, he seemed satisfied. I closed my eyes again and enjoyed his lips where ever they had gone. A few times I would let out little whimpers or full-on moans, and I didn’t care anymore because he was touching my cock.

It wasn’t until I felt something cold against my entrance that my eyes had snapped open. My hands clutched his bed sheets and my eyes went wide, and my breathing became erratic. I hadn’t noticed his finger slowly going down there until I felt it. He must’ve not noticed my eyes opened because his finger had gone in further. I had let out a tiny sound and Gerard looked at my wide eyes.

“Sh, relax,” he said. “I just want to try something, okay? It’ll feel great, I promise.”

I honestly didn’t know if I wanted to see what he was going to do. I already knew and it scared me. Although I didn’t feel pain, I knew in a few minutes when he would add more fingers I would, and if I thought we were going to have sex after he was done prepping me, then I knew—I just knew I would feel worse pain.

Gerard had one finger in and it was slowly going in and out, I bit my lip. I only bit my lip out of a nervous habit and I was really nervous. I didn’t know what would happen when he was done fingering me, and that’s what made me nervous even more.

“It’s going to be okay, Frank. It’s okay,” he said. “Don’t think of it.”

“I—!” before I could say anything else, he added another finger. It didn’t necessarily hurt, it felt weird and an invasion that I didn’t like—it was a really uncomfortable feeling.

When the second finger was added, he just kept fingering me and then I felt him curl them. I felt a spark of pleasure and I let out a cut-off moan. I looked at Gerard and he smirked as he said, “Told you.” He gave me his hand and I took it when he added another finger. I didn’t like it.

“I-I don’t—” I had begun to say but a moan cut me off because that spot had made me feel more pleasure than when it was only two fingers. I let go of Gerard’s hand to only grab the sheets. Gerard’s free hand traveled across my navel to my erection. He had started to stroke me but it wasn’t as fast as him fingering me.

“Are we going to—?”

“No.” He seemed to read my mind. I wanted to know if we were going to have sex. “I’m here to show you different things, Frank. We’re not going to just fuck.”

“Oh okay—” before I could finish that sentence, another spark of pleasure had hit me and I had came. It was such a startle that I didn’t realize I was close. Gerard walked away and grabbed tissues for me to clean myself up.

Once I was finished, I noticed he was touching himself. I smacked his hand away and said, “Let me,” before I had jacked him off. It took him a while until his orgasm hit him. His moans were sexy, it would’ve gotten me hard again but I was sensitive.

“How the hell are you so good at this stuff?” I asked.

“Practice, with myself,” he said, smirking.

Gerard cleaned himself up and we lay, naked, on the bed. My head was on his chest and I sighed. I knew it wasn’t just because he practiced with himself. I knew he practiced with different lovers before me and when I was gone.

“How many people have you slept with,” I blurted without realizing it. “Oh, my God, ignore that.”

“Uh,” he said, speechless for a second. “I’m twenty-three, Frank. So of course I have slept with a couple people before you.”

“How many people did you sleep with?” I repeated.

“Three or four, I think. Why do you ask this?” he said.

“I just wanted to know how you gotten so good.”

“You’re jealous, aren’t you?”

“No.”

Gerard lifted my chin and looked me in the eyes. “You’re a terrible liar, you know that, right?”

I sighed. “Yeah, but it’s just. Who did you do it with before me—or well, during those two years?”

“You wouldn’t know them,” he said.

“Maybe I would—just tell me!” I demanded.

“Some guy named Bert.”

I sat straight up. That name sounded very familiar. “What’s…what’s the last name?”

“Uh, I think McCracken?”

“I know him!”

“What—?”

“I used to go to Utah, sometimes to visit some family members there or…other reasons, but whatever.”

“What?”

“Yeah and he used to pick on me but he was also nice, sometimes.”

“Oh.”

I started to laugh and I said, “You slept with someone who I knew.”

Before Gerard could say anything, my phone rang. I reached over to the end table and looked at the screen. On the screen it said, _Mom_ , so I answered it. “Hello?” I said.

 _“It’s time to come home, Sweetie,”_ my mom said.

“Okay, well. Are you picking me up?”

_“Yes. I’ll be there in less than ten minutes.”_

“Okay, love you,” I said before ending the call.

“It was my mom. She’s going to be here soon.” I got up and picked my clothes up. I bent over to get my pants and underwear on, then my shoes and socks and finally I put my shirt on. I went into the kitchen to get a drink before there was a knock on the door. I figured it was my mom, so I answered it.

It wasn’t my mom.


	6. Chapter 6

My eyes widened and I felt my chest constrict, and it was hard to let out air and I felt like I was in shock—just looking at the man had made me want to pass out, I couldn’t whimper or scream for Gerard. I wanted to yell, scream, or run—anything but no, my mind was blank and I couldn’t do anything. My body hadn’t listened to me when I wanted to move. I just wanted my body to listen because it was too dangerous to just stand here, my worst nightmare was back yet again, he was standing there in front of me with his sunken-face and intense gaze, his boney fingers were balled into fists, and his face had a scowl.

I had heard footsteps behind me and I was too shocked to even look behind me to see who it was, but I knew it was Gerard—Gerard had a certain sound when he walked. Gerard was swift when he noticed the man, and he pushed me behind him as he scowled at the man.

“What the hell are you doing here?” Gerard asked.

“I knew my boy was here,” my father said. “Oh by the way, Frank, it wasn’t your whore of a mother who ratted you out,” he told me.

“Who told you he was here?” Gerard spoke for me. Gerard’s anger was showing and I was panicking because of everything that was going around me and just the thought of my father and Gerard going at it made me wanted to curl into a ball and have my brain just shut down. I didn’t want to go back into the state of select-muteness. I walked backwards away from Gerard and my legs felt week, I had eventually fell and slid down the wall, holding my head and pushed my knees to my chest. My world had been spinning, I felt dizzy and I couldn’t help but look at Gerard and my father going at it. I heard snippets of their bickering.

“Why don’t you just leave him alone?” Gerard yelled, “haven’t you done enough to him?!”

“He’s my son!” my father screamed.

“Bullshit! You don’t even deserve to have that word in your sick mouth!” Gerard screamed on the top of his lungs. “You sick bastard, you tortured him! You hurt him in so many fucking ways!”

“I never fucking hurt him. He’s lying! He’s lying straight through his teeth!”

“No! You’re the one lying here. What’re you even here for? What do you want from him?”

“I want to say goodbye to that fat-face liar! It’s his fault for him making me go to trial!”

Gerard’s were balled into fists and he was breathing hard, his face was red and he looked like he was going to explode—actually, I knew he was going to explode with the amount of anger inside him, and I knew he was holding back from fighting my father. Gerard didn’t know I was basically having a panic attack, he was focused on my father and I was glad he didn’t notice how scared I was.

I closed my eyes and tried to ignore everything, but the next thing I know I heard a loud smack and then a crash. I opened my eyes and saw my father getting up from the floor, and his lip was split and then I looked at Gerard, he was still red from anger and his fist was bloody. Gerard was still scowling at my father and my father balled up a fist but before he could through a punch, Gerard said, “Before you hit me again, look at your son. Look at him right now!” Gerard screamed, louder than ever.

I swallowed and met eye contact with my father, and I thought his face was going to soften but he didn’t exchange expressions. “What about the little faggot? He’s just sitting there ballin’ his eyes out!” my father spat.

I heard Gerard growl, he literally growled before pushing my father to the ground, and then I heard a gasp. I looked up and found my mother walked up behind Gerard, her hand up to her mouth and trying to push her way through to get to me. She rushed to me and pulled me up before dialing 9-1-1, and eventually they got there once Gerard had him pinned to the floor. The police cuffed my father and pushed him into the cop car, and they sped off without another word besides telling my father his rights.

My mother was petting my hair and Gerard was walking to me, he hugged me and my mother. Gerard kissed my forehead and then left to get me a drink of water, they led me to the couch and we all sat down.

“I’m sorry, Linda,” Gerard apologized. “I swear I didn’t know he was coming—I don’t even know how he knew where I was or where Frank was. I should’ve taken better care of Frank.”

“It’s okay, Gerard,” my mom said. “He can find things out.”

XXX

 

My mom didn’t go to her meetings the next day; she stayed by my side and tended to me as if I was a child. It honestly didn’t annoy me, it comforted me and I liked the company—it was so much better than being alone. My mom would talk to me and we’d watch movies, eat sweets and everything else a mother and a son would do, we even played a few board games. It was amazing, and the most amazing part of it was her telling me old stories of me or herself. She’d tell me about her high school experiences or childhood events, or anything that came to her mind.

She’d always ask me what I want for dinner and I would tell her, and it felt so heart-warming to know I have two people who love me: Gerard and my mom. They love me; they show their love for me in so many ways. Gerard shows it through his kisses, touches and everything else—my mom shows it through her words, her actions.

It felt like my world was slowly being complete. It didn’t matter that I had only two people—it was better than nothing, and I couldn’t help but smile every day. I had never been this happy in my entire life, and I couldn’t lie—I was scared something bad was going to happen. I knew Gerard would start chemo soon, but I knew if he passed through the first one then he could pass through the second. Gerard is a real fighter, and I’ve seen and witnessed it. I didn’t think he could die from this—he’s going to be just fine.

He’s going to be fine, right?


	7. Chapter 7

It had been a couple days before trial and when I had been called down to court, my mother and Gerard were there with me. I was relieved and very happy that Gerard was there with me—he even called off of work to be there with me, and when I was called up to the stands, Gerard was sitting by my mother. I was just thinking of Gerard when I walked up to the stand—I was trying to keep my mind off of the fact that I felt sick just looking at my father.

The judge’s first words were a blur until they asked me questions. I told them every detail, and it made me want to cry out. My father was cuffed and his lawyer was standing by him, trying to defend him. The judge and my lawyer would talk, ask me questions and it all seemed to be too much to think about. I didn’t like this, and my mother would send me looks as to see if I was okay, and I looked at Gerard, he looked pale—like he was going to get sick.

“Why did it take so many years for you to report this?” the judge asked.

“Uh, well, since I was young no one really believed a word I said, and I tried committing suicide when I was ten—my mother caught me and she sent me to a mental institute, seeing if that was a way to help me,” I told him, “and I had been in there for seven years, I had only recently gotten out. My father would always say that I was lying—basically saying I was just trying to get attention, but I knew that wasn’t the case, and I hoped someone believed me. The doctors didn’t even believe me, but eventually I met a great person, who helped me through everything.”

“Who is this person you are speaking about?”

“His name is Gerard, and he’s my boyfriend.”

Gerard looked at me and I looked at him, smiling, and then the next thing I know is he’s vomiting and being brought out of the courtroom. I didn’t know what happened—was it something I said? All of it was true, why was he sick? Did he eat something bad? I wanted to get off the stand but I couldn’t, and then the next thing I hear is, “See! He’s blaming his sexuality on me when I didn’t do anything to him,” from my father.

“Fuck you,” I said to my father before getting off the stands. “You’re the one who tortured me—day and night, and you’re a liar.”

I walked out and saw Gerard sitting on the court’s couches in the waiting area, he had his hands on his head and his eyes closed. I walked up to him and sat down before asking, “Was it something I said?”

“No, it wasn’t,” he said, “I have to tell you something.”

“Tell me,” I said.

“I started chemo—vomiting is one of it’s side-effects.” I felt my blood run cold and my heart stop, and I didn’t know he went to chemo, at all. I actually didn’t know when he would start chemo, but when he did I would’ve gone with him—held his hand and everything, just like he did when he tried comforting me.

“Why did you hide this from me, Gerard?” I asked.

“I didn’t want you to come with me, it’s too painful.”

 

 

 

“But…we’re together, Gerard,” I said, miserably. “We should do everything together—just look at what we did today. This was painful for you to see and hear about all the disgusting things that man did to me, don’t you see? I’ve seen and heard worse. I don’t mind sitting there with you during chemo or whatever you do when you go to chemo.”

Gerard looked at me and kissed my lips before saying, “I know, Frank, but what you have to understand is I don’t need you seeing me miserable. I’m supposed to be the strong one—I’m supposed to protect you.”

“Gerard, look, sometimes people let their guard down and I already know you’ve went through chemo once. You’re strong, even if you’re starting it over again. You’re a fighter! Look, you’ve helped me in _so_ many ways; it’s time for me to help you.”

“I love you, Frank,”

“I love you, too, Gerard,” I said, kissing him.

XXX

 

Whenever Gerard would go to chemo, I would be there with him and I held his hand anytime they needed to put a needle in his skin. I knew his phobia of needles and I watched him wince every time they put a needle in his arm. It was depressing seeing him like this, but I wanted to be there for him—I wanted to be the strong one for once in my life and help someone, I shouldn’t have people feel pity for me or help me when I already have help.

There was pity in peoples’ eyes when they saw me on the streets—knowing what happened to me, I hated it so much because I didn’t want a pity party. I didn’t want it or need it, I just wanted to be treated as if I was a normal human with a normal childhood past, like Gerard does for me. He knows when he’s stepping the boundaries and when to stop, though, but overall he’s been treating me as if I was just a normal boyfriend.

Sometimes, Gerard would have good days and others he would have bad days, and each bad day I would always be there for him. I would run my fingers through his hair, help him to the bathroom—everything, and he would always smile at me. I would fix him soup and crackers when he was hungry, and I would just make sure he felt great even on his bad days.

Today, however, was one of his good days, and it so happened to be the weekend; my mother also let me stay the entire weekend. I was lying on Gerard’s bed with him and we were watching _Spiderman_ and eating popcorn. When I looked at Gerard, I kissed his chin and he looked down to place a tender kiss on my lips. Gerard laid me on my back and I wrapped my arms around his middle, and we kissed and kissed, Gerard’s hands roaming under my shirt and eventually my shirt was off and so was his. Gerard had gotten thinner but I tried not to let it ruin the moment, so I went back to kissing him.

Gerard unbuckled my belt and pulled my boxers and pants off, and he did the same to himself. Gerard started kissing my lips, neck, collarbone and nipples, Gerard’s hands running up and down my body and his hand reached my cock as he stroked me. He only stroked me for a little bit before he said, “Do you want to go all the way?”

“Yes,” I answered, I had wanted to go all the way since we reunited.

Gerard kissed me as he prepped me and I tried relaxing how he showed me last time when he fingered me, and he rubbed my spot—making me moan. After he prepped me, he placed the condom on his dick and lubed the condom on and entered me.

Pain had sparked up my spine and I tried relaxing, but it was difficult, Gerard was bigger than his three fingers and it had hurt so much. Gerard held still when he was fully inside me, waiting for me to adjust. Gerard placed my hands on his shoulders and he said, “If it gets too bad, claw me. Okay? But the pain will fade away soon.”

Gerard was right, and eventually we had got into a pleasurable rhythm. Gerard had hit my spot multiple times, and it wasn’t just fucking—we were making love.

“I love you, Frank,” Gerard said. “Don’t miss me too much.”

I didn’t understand his last statement.

 


	8. Chapter 8

The first day when I visited Gerard it had been one of his good days, but the next day Gerard had to be driven to chemo by my mom—Gerard always seems to react badly and I heard it was another side-effect, but it’d be okay. It seemed like mood swings, one day Gerard would be okay and the next, he wouldn’t, but each day I was there and it wasn’t just because of the chemo that he was feeling badly—all of this was depressing him and he knew it was depressing me, too.

When I would go to chemo with Gerard, I wouldn’t look at anything else but him, but now that I had looked around I saw children, elders, and some adults, and they were alone. It was a depressing place; I looked at Gerard and saw how miserable he was—his eyes no longer shining and his smile no longer there. When I had first started coming here with him, he seemed relaxed and he would talk to me with a smile despite him feeling like shit, but now he comes here, once a week, and he doesn’t talk to me—what’s worse is he even refuses to hold my hand and look at me, all Gerard does is stare at a wall for thirty-minutes to two-hours, that’s it.

“Gerard,” I said, trying to get his attention, but failing. “Gerard, please look at me!”

Gerard wouldn’t look at me, so I grabbed his chin and turned his face to me, and what I saw was heartbreaking—his eyes looked wore-out and he looked like he was going to cry, and he wasn’t focusing on anything. I felt like crying but I couldn’t, I didn’t want to be weak anymore—I needed to show Gerard love, support, and strength, just like always did for me when I was depressed. I didn’t think I could do it, I tried and tried but it was hard.

I let go of Gerard’s chin and his head had lain back on the chair, and Gerard looked up to the ceiling—still unfocused. But the next thing I know is what Gerard said, “Y-you could…should stop.” The words came out like a mess, it went from could to should and need to stop. He was a mess.

“I’m not leaving,” I stated.

Gerard was getting angry but he was too depressed and too tired to fight me, and he just sighed before looking at the wall again. We stayed in silence the entire time, he wasn’t holding my hand and I didn’t even attempt because I knew he would refuse or at least try to yell at me. The two hours seemed to go by slowly, and when it was time to go, I called my mom to come pick us up.

Gerard muttered things that made no sense and his speech was slurred, he looked exhausted but that’s the look he had been getting since the first day of chemo, but it has only been getting worse. He would yell at anyone—even if someone was trying to help him, and he would just bicker, and it was exhausting to listen to, but I knew it was because he was mad at himself more than anyone. He’s angry at his body, it was disobeying and he wished it would’ve stopped hurting him.

When my mom dropped us off at Gerard’s house, I carried Gerard in and laid him on the bed with a trashcan beside just in case he had to puke. Gerard and I dozed off, I cuddled next to him and I noticed he was cold despite the room-heat temperature, and I covered his body with the blanket and slept. I woke up to sobbing noises coming from the bathroom and I climbed off the bed, and tried to open the bathroom but noticed it was locked; I slid down until my back was to the door and I sighed.

“Gerard, open the door,” I said, “please? I know you’re in there. Don’t shut me out.”

“W-why don’t you just leave me alone?” Gerard said, miserably.

“Because you were there for me when no one was there for me,” I stated. “Your dumbass walked into my life, your ass walked there—stayed with me, through every nightmare, every tear and every suicidal thought there ever was. I’m here for you, dipshit, and you better like it. I’m not leaving you—push me out, push me out the door, if you please. But just know, I’ll be standing out there, waiting for you and it hurts me to stay because you’re only pushing me out when I know you need someone the most.”

“I don’t need anyone,” he said. “I’ve been through this alone before.”

“And that matters to me, _how_? I’m your boyfriend, for Godsakes!” I snapped. “I’m supposed to be there for you no matter what, you ass. Now open this goddamn door before I break it down,” I warned. “Don’t think I’m fucking joking.”

There had been silence for ten minutes and I had gotten sick of the silence and the door still being closed. I stood up and ran full-force into the door until it opened, and then what I was seeing was what I wasn’t expecting—Gerard’s face was red and his eyes were bloodshot, and when I looked down he had a bottle of pills, opened, but they weren’t near his mouth. I knew those weren’t his pills for nausea, he was trying to commit suicide.

I pulled my hair before saying, “You were trying to commit suicide?” I felt my heart sink and it was so depressing seeing Gerard like this—he was always happy, smiling and cracking jokes, even if they were immature, he always made me happy, but now there I was, holding onto that thin rope that had been slowly shrinking…minute…by minute.

“Who cares about me, Frank?” he asked.

“I do!” I exclaimed.

“I don’t see how,” he said. “Just take a good look at me, Frank—I’m pitiful and…I can’t do it. Why don’t you just let me swallow these damn pills and I’ll be fine?”

“Because I need you, Gerard, and you promised me you’d always be there for me!”

“Frank, for fucksakes, I’m dying,” he said bluntly, “there’s no survival rate for me, jeez! Stop being selfish and just _let me go_!” he screamed.

I was taken back—I didn’t know he was actually going to die, I just thought he’d get through this like he did before. I took a deep breath as to hold in the tears, and I looked at him and the pills—I couldn’t believe it, it was depressing me. I didn’t want to walk away from him, though just like everyone else did when I was alone, depressed, people walked away when I needed them the most. I didn’t want to be Gerard’s shadow—be there for him during his brightest hours and be gone during the darkest, I didn’t want to be that kind of boyfriend.

“W-wh-why are you saying you’re going to die?” I said, stuttering and holding back tears.

“They’re stopping the chemo…there’s no white blood cells.”


	9. Chapter 9

I took a deep breath in as I had felt my heart drop into my stomach, and I looked at Gerard sitting on the toilet, just looking at me and then down at the pills he wanted to swallow. I felt the need to take them out of his hand and downing them into the sink, wash away the circled, powdered pills to save my Gerard, but just looking at him…I did want him to end his misery, but I didn’t want him to die. Gerard’s a strong man, he can fight, and he can fight this damn cancer just like he did the first time.

“You don’t want to do this,” I said.

“How do you know what I want and don’t want?” Gerard snapped.

“Look, Gerard, you’ve gotten through this before—you can do this again.” I reached out for the pills and the next thing I had known was my hand being smacked away, hard. I had been taken back and pulled into memories of my father hitting me and my mother around; I took a step back and looked at him as I tried not to cry in front of Gerard.

_“Give that back!” my father yelled, smacking me on the hand and I dropped the pills he wanted—the pills I wanted for suicide._

I took a shaky breath in before saying, “Fuck you,” and walking to the door but then I felt Gerard’s hand on my shoulder and I yanked away from his touch, and then I felt his damn lips crashing onto mine –I didn’t want the kiss so I backed away.

“Do not ever kiss me again,” I stated. “I don’t know what your damn issue is lately.”

“Frank, I—”

“You smacked me, you ignore me and you try to kill yourself!” I yelled. “Don’t say ‘I can explain’, because I’ve tried getting you to explain but you keep it inside and ignore me.”

 “I’m—”

“You’re _what_ exactly? You’re depressed, you’re angry?” I spat. “What exactly are you?”

“I’m an asshole,” he bluntly said.

“You got that right,” I scoffed. “I’m sick of playing these games—we make up and then you shut me out! Why don’t you just push me out that damn door right now, or I walk. Do you want me to walk?”

“I just want everything done, over with. I feel pain, Frank! Don’t you understand that?” he whimpered. “It’s not just physical pain, it’s mental, too.”

“I don’t know how you feel,” I told him, “but I need you.”

“You don’t get everything you want in life, Frank,” he said. “Sometimes you gotta let things go. You have to let me go—it’s not right, Frank.”

I felt my heart shatter like glass and I had felt my world stop spinning, my stomach drop and I felt dizzy. “I don’t want to,” I said. “I don’t like goodbyes, Gerard.”

“We’re…” he stopped before saying, “I wouldn’t necessarily say it’s a goodbye, I’m saying maybe you should quit taking care of me as if I was a child. I am a grown ass man, I can do it myself. I don’t need you…and I don’t need you coming to my house every day or going to my chemo sessions.”

“But I—”

Gerard opened the door and slightly pushed me out before saying, “I’ll talk to you later.”

XXX

_Weeks later…_

It had been four weeks since I had seen Gerard and I was getting really fed up with it because there hadn’t been a phone call or visit, and it reminded me of when he ignored me for two years. I was also worried and I decided that maybe it was my time to show up, defend myself, tell him what I feel despite him not wanting me there, and I got myself and marched myself down to his house.

I knocked on the door and I didn’t hear any footsteps, and the door was slightly opened, I walked inside and the smell of beer and vodka hit my nostrils. I cringed inside and I slowly crept inside Gerard’s house, and I looked around for any signs of where Gerard was in his small apartment. I looked in the living room but he wasn’t there but then that’s when I heard flushing in the bathroom and then the doorknob turned and he staggered out of the room.

“What…the fuck do you want,” Gerard slurred.

“I want answers from your drunken ass,” I told him.

Gerard walked sluggishly to me and he stumbled a few times before he was inches from my face. I coiled back away from his booze-smelling self and I walked backwards to the wall, balling my fists up incase Gerard decided to touch me in anyway.

“You s-scared, Frank?” he taunted as he had bent down to grab an unopened beer bottle and he snapped the cap open and drank it in one gulp. I watched as his Adams Apple went up and down with that toxic drink, and I saw how miserable he was—he had gotten more miserable since the last time I watched him.

“Y-you never answered my question,” he slurred. “You’re scared. You’re scared of me, a-aren’t you?”

I grabbed that bottle out of his hands and threw it against the wall, the pieces shattering just like my heart did, and Gerard’s expression was as if I ran over a dog, twice. Gerard had whimpered as if he was a child getting in trouble for something, and he was in trouble for all of this. I wasn’t angry, I was pissed off. I balled my fist and I punched the picture of us on his wall, and then I punched the wall. I couldn’t punch Gerard—I knew in his drunken state he would punch back and make me have memories. Instead of punching him, I yanked the picture of us off the wall, throwing it and hearing it shatter.

“Do you know how pissed off I am, Gerard?” I seethed. “I’m not angry, I’m not furious—I’m fucking pissed off at you.” I was breathing was heavy, as if I was running a marathon. “Your dumbass was threatening me, you’re drunk off your ass and you’re standing there asking if I’m scared because you’re a drunken bastard.”

I ran my fingers through my hair and I had growled at the bottles around the apartment, there were different kinds, all of it mixing together and it was only making me more pissed off. I couldn’t do it anymore—Gerard needed someone but instead he had pushed everyone away, and he pushed me away again, but I’m not leaving just yet.

“Get your damn hands off of me,” I spat as he tried to push me out the door. “I’m not leaving!” I screamed.

“Quiet down,” Gerard warned.

“Why the hell should I calm down? I hope the people on the other side can hear all of this—showing them how much of an ass you are, pushing me away after all this time I tried helping you. I held your hand through your sessions, I help your hair back as you puked your guts out in the bucket or toilet, I cleaned it up when you missed, and I helped you into a wheelchair when you couldn’t walk straight,” I told him. “I was there, and…I wish I was there before but I wasn’t because you weren’t there for me for two years, and after us just reuniting, you’re pushing me away, abandoning me because you’re a selfish bastard who wants no help, wants to commit suicide and drink away the damn pain away, or whatever, when you know you have people who love you, Gerard. My mother keeps asking how you’re doing, why I’m not visiting, and I haven’t told her what you’re doing to yourself.” I shook my head. “If you really don’t want me, tell me and I’ll block your number…and I’ll let you be selfish and drink away, or whatever you wanna call it. I’m done trying, I came here to tell you that, but I can’t live without you because _I love you_! Do you see what I mean when I say those words people walk away?”

“I don’t care,” he said. “I really don’t care anymore, Frank. Walk away, if you please and block my number, do whatever, you shouldn’t just don’t come here yelling at my face and damaging my apartment and my things.”

“You care about your stuff and not me?”

“I don’t care about anything, really, but I’d like to keep my apartment.”

“And you care about your booze, of course,” I muttered.

“Pretty much, yeah, that seems to be the only thing I like,” he mocked.

“Why’re you doing this?” I questioned.

“Because I want to die, haven’t I made that obvious?”

“You know what; do whatever the hell you want, Gerard—I quit. Drink your life away, I quit.” I opened the door and walked out of his apartment. I went to my house and walked to my room as I lied down on my bed and looked at the ceiling, I didn’t really mean those words, but I didn’t know what else to say. He made me frustrated just looking at what he was doing to himself, and I didn’t know what to do or say to help him when he was the one that pushed me away.


	10. Chapter 10

I had been woken up around 2:30AM by my phone ringing nonstop, I looked at the caller ID and in big letters it said, _Gerard_ , I had almost wanted to decline the call but Gerard would never call at this time of night, so I answered it.

“Gerard?” I said. “You know it’s—”

“—I know it’s 2AM,” Gerard sobbed, “I’m sorry, I’m sorry for…everything, and I’m sorry I acted like an ass—I am an asshole, and I just. I hate myself, everything about myself, and it’s just making me mad that I’m dying, and I won’t be there for you. I don’t want you seeing me like this, it’s humiliating.”

I sighed and asked, “Gerard, why didn’t you tell me this before?”

“I didn’t know how—I was drunk off my ass.”

“Even before you were drunk, I gave you chances to tell me, but no—you wanted to keep it inside and you blew up. You got that damn alcohol, knowing it can hurt your blood cells, and you yelled at me—smacked me, even. Do you not see your actions? Every action comes with a reaction.”

“I understand that! And _I’m sorry_ ,” he said, pitifully.

“You understand that _now_ , but…I don’t know, Gerard.”

“Do you still love—?”

“Gerard, I’m tired and not in the mood for a _fight over the damn phone_. Give me time, and I’ll answer your question.” I hung up and went back to sleep.

XXX

“Frank,” my mother said, “wake up!” Her voice was frantic, I jumped up and looked at her with a confused look, and I questioned her. “Gerard’s in the hospital! Get dressed!” she said. I jumped out of bed and she went down the stairs to start the car, I hurried and cleaned myself up before running down the stairs and into the car. My mother drove a little over the speed limit, looking both ways, for cars or cops.

Eventually we reached the hospital and we ran in, questioning where Gerard was and they told us the room. I ran into Gerard’s room, he was asleep, a clip on his finger and a needle in his arm. I didn’t know what happened—was it a drug overdose, did the cancer do something or was it booze? I had too many thoughts running through my head, and my mom noticed as she excused herself out of the room. I climbed into bed with Gerard and laid my head on his chest, closing my eyes to prevent the tears from running down, but they ran down in great big hopping sobs—I’ve been holding them in for too long and when I took a good glance, roamed my eyes all up and down his cold and white body, I couldn’t hold them in any longer.

“Gerard,” I whimpered.

Gerard opened his eyes and looked at me, his eyes opening and closing, his smile there and he closed his eyes once again. Gerard’s monitor started beeping loudly and I called for help, yelling at any nurse there was, and they rushed in, pushing me and my mother out of the way. They shut the door and I stared at them through the glass, and I looked at my mom, her eyes rimmed in tears, and the only thing I knew was to hold her hands. I felt her squeeze my hand and I squeezed hers back, hoping to whatever God there was—I prayed to all of them that was on the top of my head—asking for them to save my Gerard. The doctors were trying their hardest and then the next thing I know was Gerard was having a seizure and I heard a faint, “He’s seizing!” from the female doctor. I saw Gerard shake, his arms flailing and knocking over a tray, his body also rigged, and then I saw his body go soft. I looked at the monitor and the doctors, I walked in the room and I look at Gerard as they try to help him, and the monitor had a very low beat.

The tears welled up in my eyes and I felt so angry at myself, I should’ve stayed up all night talking to him and maybe this wouldn’t have happened. I still had no idea as to what happened, but I had a good guess. I just didn’t want to believe it, and I hoped it wasn’t true, I hoped it wasn’t suicide or anything like that, but with the recent behavior from Gerard…maybe that’s what had happened. I didn’t want to think like that, I just thought…maybe it had something to do with the cancer—I’m just wishing it wasn’t suicide.

I walked closer to Gerard and held his hand, he didn’t squeeze back and I had expected that he would, my expectations died when I felt…nothing, and I just wanted this nightmare to stop because it was killing me, I couldn’t take it anymore. It had been so perfect before we split and now that we reunited, it turned to Hell, and there was nothing I could’ve done to help, why would any God for that matter want to do this to someone? What did Gerard do to deserve this?

I sat down in the hospital chair and bit my fist, holding the tears that I still wanted no one to see, this couldn’t have happened. Life is truly a bitch, and I knew how Gerard felt—miserable, in pain and I just wanted him to wake up, and I wanted to hug him and kiss him, I wanted to take away those words I said and receive that kiss he wanted to give me. I wanted to relive all those moments where he would hug me, kiss me, touch me and I wanted that picture back, but now it’s broken just like my heart and soul. It felt like I was staring at Death and he was looking at me through those glass windows, slowly coming closer to Gerard.

I wanted to scream, saying stop, and I wanted everything to go back to normal. I would’ve rather been in that mental institute, cramped up with Gerard in my room, and cuddling him. I would love to take every harsh thing I ever had told him, I wanted to take away the grudge I had before reuniting to him and most of all I want my Gerard. But of course, you don’t get everything you want in life.

“You can let go, Gerard,” I said, through tears. It was as if my words were magic, next thing I knew the slow beat of his monitor was a screeching sound, there was no thuds and then that’s when I wanted to take back my words again and that’s when I felt my heart die. I felt every ounce of happiness disappear and I just wanted to see him smile one more time, kiss him one more time…but there’s no going back.

XXX

 

 

The next few days were a living hell, I didn’t want to move, eat or shower, or do anything that was a normal everyday activity, and I didn’t do anything. I just laid there on my bed, cuddling to the pillow and wearing Gerard’s shirt—I knew it was torcher to me to wear the shirt that smells like him, but that seems to be the only thing I have of him. It was the day of the funeral and I didn’t want to go, but my mom made me, she had given me time to shower but I didn’t, all I did was sort of clean myself, wore Gerard’s shirt and a pair of my pants, then we walked to the church were they held the ceremony.

I took a deep breath before walking in, and I walked up to the casket, he didn’t look like my Gerard…at all, he looked completely different and I hated myself, I loathed myself once again. I wanted him back, he made me live, he made me fly and laugh, even during our worst moments—I wanted him and my happiness back, I didn’t want to cry again, I didn’t want to sleep in clothes that I wore for weeks on ends and no showering.

I stroked his cheek and moved his hair behind his ear, and I missed when he had done that to me. I missed his fingers running through my hair, his fingers on my cheeks and the way he held me close, I missed the smile he always wore, the jokes he told, the way his hand felt in mine, and I miss the warm hugs he always gave me, and I miss his lips on me.

“Frank?” I heard an unfamiliar female voice; I turned around and looked at the woman behind me. “Are you Frank Iero?”

“Yes,” I said. “Why?”

“I have something to give to you—there…there was a note on top of this and it said it was for you,” she said as she handed me the notebook, I opened it and there was lyrics inside and looked down on the lyrics.

  
 _Now turn away,_  
'Cause I'm awful just to see   
'Cause all my hairs abandoned all my body,   
Oh, my agony,   
Know that I will never marry,   
Baby, I'm just soggy from the chemo  
But counting down the days to go  
It just ain't living  
And I just hope you know  
  
That if you say (if you say)  
Goodbye today (goodbye today)  
I'd ask you to be true (cause I'd ask you to be true)  
  
'Cause the hardest part of this is leaving you  
'Cause the hardest part of this is leaving you

“The hardest part is leaving you,” I muttered.

How true that really is.


End file.
